Depressed.

Sunday I went to church feeling depressed. Why?

• I found out this week my daughter Sarah stands a good chance of being sent back to Iraq.
• Our church barely has enough money to get by. I'm the treasurer so I have to deal with it a lot. We don't have enough money because we are losing people.
• I'm reading a book by Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz." I really like the book. But I had just read parts that really convicted me. Made me feel like me and my church are failing God.
• Actually the last point isn't totally right. Part of my depression was that I read stuff that sounded like I should be convicted, but wasn't.
  
• If I ever wrote a book, I'd like to write one like "Blue Like Jazz." Now I know Donald Miller has beaten me to it and done a better job than I'd ever do.
  
• I did a search this week on my name, Eric Miller. There's lots of us. In fact, I found at least three doing things I've dreamed of doing. So if I ever got the gumption to pursue one of my dreams (fantasies?) I'd be competing against myself and I've already done better than I ever could.
• I'm behind on lots of stuff.
• I don't communicate as well as I should with my wife, Carolina. Worse, I feel I've had lots of opportunities to do better and let them go, mostly because I was too scared to step out.
• I'm gaining weight. I've gained over twenty pounds since November 2005.
• I had a physical. It all came out good. However, my cholesterol and blood sugar are worse, even though they're still OK.
• I get hyper a lot (see previous post, and I still hadn't made the thyroid connection).
• I got more depressed in church. Ivan Orellana spoke. He's not a polished speaker, but God has been speaking to him and he reached a lot of people. It's cool that a young person who grew up in our church is listening to God. However, I didn't get much out of it. I felt cold and cynical. I've just been dealing with a Jehovah's Witness paper on how John 1:1 does not say Jesus is God. It is poorly written and shows really bad thinking and lack of knowledge about Greek and language. I like people to think straight and I felt like I was judging poor Ivan based on my frustration with the silly JW paper.
• I've had periods of feeling old and seeing my life slip away.
  

Now I'm depressed just from writing my list!

Before church service I talked to friends and it helped some. Rick Curtis -- my first successful Greek student who is now DOM of our area (Director of Missions, which is Southern Baptist for Bishop) -- was visiting. After church service he saw me sitting by myself and talked and prayed with me. That helped a lot.

I really have a lot to be thankful for

• Carolina loves me and stays with me despite all my problems.
• My children are all doing well. They even talk to me and share their lives with me.
• Sarah is engaged.
• God loves me and has taken care of me for many years.
• Likewise our church. Even though we've been on a financial edge for almost a year, we've always managed to pay the bills. We've even raised a lot of money to fix our leaky roof.
• I've had a wonderful summer. I've never been so active. A 25th anniversary cruise with Carolina. Backpacking to beautiful Jennie Lake. A trip to Yosemite and Hike up Half Dome. Two trips to Arcata -- both relaxing and good chances to be with Carolina and visit Ruth.
• I've got to spend time with my son, Dan. Playing tennis, talking and during the Yosemite trip.
• Likewise I've had some good times with Sarah, including the backpack trip.
• I like all my children's significant others. More than like, they are all very wonderful people.
• I have a good job. It pays well. I get to sit in a cubicle and not be outside in the elements. I mostly get to do stuff I like. Right now the stress level isn't even too high.
• I've found very good friends at my church.
  
• Church has helped me a lot to be more honest and open to what the Bible and God really say.
• Despite having arthritis and hypothyroid, I feel really good and can be physically active. If I lived even 50 years earlier I'd probably be crippled from my arthritis. Praise God for modern medicine.
• Of the five of us who hiked up Half Dome, three of us made it. Dan and I were the only ones who were not really sore and suffering afterwards. I conquered my fears and did better than I possibly hoped.
• I feel much more confident around people than I ever have. This is huge for me, the boy who hid in his mom's skirts, the young teenager who didn't even talk to a girl until he was a sophomore in high school, who was scared to use the phone until well into adulthood.
• I have food, clothes and a nice house. I'm richer than most of the people in the world. I have time to enjoy life.

OK, that list helped. It's hard for me to see the positive. Thanks to all of you who God has used in my life.