This is an army?

General: Lieutenant, I’m confident that today’s battle resulted in an overwhelming victory. Although, we are up against a tough foe, we have the best weapons and a great battle plan. If all our forces merely followed orders, we should have done very well. Please contact all our regiments, and prepare a complete report for me in the next hour.

Lieutenant: YES SIR, General! (Salutes)

General: (Returns salute, leaves stage).

Lieutenant: (Putting on microphone and headphones, but speaking to himself) First, let me contact the artillery. (Speaking into the microphone) HQ to artillery. Hello, please report.

Artillery (voice over radio): This is Artillery, over.

Lieutenant: Artillery, please report. How did the shelling go.

Artillery: Very well. We didn’t break a single gun.

Lieutenant: What!? Say again, artillery.

Artillery: I said, the shelling went very well. We didn’t break a single gun.

Lieutenant; (puzzled): Well, I’m glad you didn’t break any guns, but how did the shelling go. How much damage did you inflict on the enemy.

Artillery: Well, we didn’t fire – but the guns are all safe.

Lieutenant: Please explain, why didn’t you fire. HQ has given you the newest, best weapons, guaranteed superior to the enemy’s. Why didn’t you use them?

Artillery: Well, that’s just it. We figured we had all these nice, new, expensive guns and we were afraid we would break them. I mean, war is pretty hectic. Someone might make a mistake, or worse, we might get fired upon and get hit. Then we’d wreck your nice new guns. So we figured we’d just not shoot. That way all the new guns are safe, and we don’t waste any of the general’s money.

Lieutenant: Well, it’s strange to me, but I’ll report it to the general and see what he says. HQ, over and out

Artillery: Artillery, out.

Lieutenant: (to himself) That was strange. Oh well, the rest of the divisions could still put up a good fight. Next I need to check on the tank corps. (Speaking into microphone) Tank corps, this is HQ, come in.

Tank corps: HQ, this is tank corps, over.

L: Tank corps, please report.

T: Well, we tried to carry out the general’s orders, but we failed miserably. We were soundly defeated by the enemey.

L: That’s awful. We gave you the world’s best tanks. You should have easily rolled over the enemy. What went wrong?

T: Actually, we used a weapon even better than the tanks, but we lost anyway.

L: Now I’m confused. A weapon better than the tanks. They are the latest in mobile artillery, with a direct comlink to HQ, to allow for real-time battle adjustments.

T: That’s just it. We looked at the tanks and they were too complicated for us. Besides, we figured the comlink was to shaky, it might have failed, or our communications might be intercepted by the enemy – way too risky.

L: Why would you think that. Didn’t you read the manual and train your men? It’s all in there – everything you need to know to use the tanks. Plus it explains how the comlink can NOT fail and will always be perfectly secure.

T: We tried reading the manual – but it was too boring. Besides, we already knew how to use our other weapons.

L: What other weapons?

T: Out BB guns. You see, we all grew up with them as children. We are so familiar with them, using them is like second nature to us. We knew they would be better than any new, high-tech, untried tanks. I’m sure we couldn’t have done any better with the tanks.

L: (Sigh) I guess I see why you were defeated. I’ll pass it along to the general. HQ out.

T: Tank corps out.

L: (to himself) Gee, this is terrible. Our great victory is deteriorating. I better get the rest of the reports – I hope they did better. (to microphone) Infantry, this is HQ, over.

Infantry: HQ, this is infantry, over.

L: Infantry, please report. How was your battle today? I hope you have good news.

I: Oh we do. Very good news. We completely defeated the enemy. He completely failed to enter our barracks.

L: Say again, Infantry. You were supposed to attack the enemy’s capital. Why are you talking about your own barracks?

I: No, no. The general specifically said that the enemy’s capital would “not prevail against us.” So we mined the area around our barracks, put up barbed wire fences, kept our rifles points out the windows and the enemy’s capital never came close to taking us.

L: You mean you actually saw the capital city attacking you?

I: Well, no, it never came close. That’s how good our defenses were!

L: OK Infantry, I’ll pass your report along to the general. Do let me know if the enemy’s capital ever does attack you! HQ out.

I: Roger, Infantry out.

L: (shaking his head and talking to himself) Wow, has this whole army gone crazy? I wonder how our air support did? (to mike) Air support, this is HQ, come in, over.

Air support: HQ, air support here, over.

L: How did you do today? I need your report.

A: We did fine. We only lost one plane.

L: That’s great, air support. What kind of damage did you do to the enemy?

A: Uh, we didn’t do any damage, HQ.

L: What, why not?

A: Well, we were flying along just fine, but then, just as we got to enemy territory, they fired at us and hit one of our planes. This upset us a lot. So we took a vote, and decided it was too risky and turned back.

L: Turned back, what about your orders?

A: We thought about that. We knew our orders. But we realized they must be mistaken. We know the general is a kind man and wouldn’t want us injured. So when one plane got shot down, we knew there must be some mistake. That’s when we decided it was too risky and turned back.

L: (Sigh) I’m sorry to hear that air support, I’ll pass along your report to the general. HQ out.

A: Air support out.

General (enters room): Well, lieutenant, how’d the battle go?

L: Not so good sir. I have reports from artillery, the tank corps, infantry, and air support. And they all failed against the enemy.

G: That’s incredible! How could our plans and weapons have failed?

L: Sir, they didn’t. It appears that, well, uh, ... your orders were just not followed.

G: Oh no, not again. Why won’t these soldiers trust me?

L: I don’t know sir. If I may be so bold, sir, I don’t understand why you keep this army. Why not just court martial them and get new soldiers?

G: (sigh) At times it does seem like I should. And sometimes I do have to remove soldiers for insubordination. But I want my soldiers to grow into a real army. I want them to trust me and enjoy the victory of following my orders. I just don’t know at times.... Say did you get all the reports?

L: No sir, I still haven’t talked to the paratroops.

G: Well, let’s contact them. Maybe they’ve had some success.

L: (to mike) Paratroops, this is HQ, over.

Paratroops: HQ, this is paratroops, over.

L: Hello paratroops. How’d you do today?

P: (excitedly) Great! We reached our objective with only minimal losses.

L: That’s wonderful, paratroops. How did you do so well?

P: Well, it looked really bad just jumping in behind enemy lines. They seemed to be everywhere and heavily armed. Plus we didn’t see our air support, or any other supporting infantry, tanks, or artillery fire. We felt like turning back.

L: Uh yes, paratroops, our other units failed in their assignments.

P: Oh yeah, that would explain our hard struggle and our losses. But in spite of how it looked, we went ahead as planned. We were under heavy enemy fire, but our new body armor protected us. And our weapons cut right through the enemy defenses. It was a glorious victory. The general sure know his stuff.

L: Thanks paratroops. It’s great to hear your report. Over and ... wait the general wants to talk to you.

G: (to mike) I just want to add my thanks and heartfelt appreciation for a job well done. Take a well deserved rest and enjoy your victory. Over and out.

P: Thank you sir, over and out.

G: (to lieutenant): Lieutenant, that is why I keep my army. A report like that so warms my heart. Good night lieutenant.

L: Good night sir!